it occurred to me that why i am so miserable most of the time is because people, especially family and friends, make me feel bad. they all seem to have their shit together, the good life and the good luck, good relationships with their families and friends and all the while I have nothing but bad luck and bad vibes. i say this to my son all the time that we are not blessed, we are cursed, and I firmly believe that to be true. i guess that is why I tried so hard to be better for my son and show him that although life is hard, mom is always here to give 100% of herself.
even in my relationship, he always has good luck, everything seems to fall into place for him. this feeling all started when I said it out loud a few weeks ago when my sister in law invited me to a party for my step mother. i told her: “I am sorry but these people make me feel bad about myself because they are better than me, have all the best of everything and I just can’t be in the same room as them.”
same goes for my boyfriend, when something good happens to him I just want to scream out loud and say: “WTF” – I don’t want to hear about it.
it has gotten worse than better and lately the job is really getting to me. it is a bunch of people whom just believe that this job is the best in the world and they have no idea how depressing it is. probably because they live in a zone of “none realistic” and figure this is how it is supposed to be. the people on the phones call complaining about their lives, so tragic at times, granted, but we all go through life miseries.
my boyfriend came home yesterday talking about his one sister who is bitching about money when she has a bank account full of it, because of their mother’s passing only a few months ago, the house sale will be revived between them and why is she complaining? because she stated that because she gave her mother money all the time for rent while living with her that gives her the right to her mother’s bank account.
she is insane but does even appreciate the value of what she has. common sense doesn’t live in her mind and she is very selfish to say the least.
then I was reminded of my father’s own death, the summer prior when he stated that he and his wife had a large sum of money in the bank, we were discussing the will, when all the while, I found out there is not money to speak of. what a disappointment to be reminded that all my life, my parents have lied and left me high and dry. that is why I always bare the truth to my son so that someday he won’t be disappointed in me.
the bottom line, I am looking desperately for a way out of this type of lifestyle. i want a good job, money in the bank and be somewhere else. i know, must of us want that but I am serious when I say, I can’t find one good thing in my life right now and it is getting harder and harder to breath. i exist only to live in reality because of my commitments and my son.
we shall what the week brings. FYI: don’t look for capital letters in my words, I don’t believe it.
( damn that autocorrect )
