I realized a long time ago, that my life never had the good stuff and what I mean by that is the thoughts of having it all and what I need or deserve, never appeared for me. At one time, I thought the idea of travelling to a great place was spectacular, which it is but I see now it is just something to accomplish. Even when we disappear to a far off place, we take with us the misery and despair inside of ourselves because the reality is we can’t run from it.
over 30 years ago, I created my children in order to have something of my own to love and I really believed that because I knew I would never had the life I needed or deserved. I was given a life that isn’t my own and I was never able to attain the life I wanted. It doesn’t make sense really because we are told by many that if you work for something, you can achieve it but I can assure you, it only happens for some.
Mentioning this a few times in my writing how some people are just born with the luck and path of the good life, the one that fits; my dreams stopped a long time ago and the other day I was thinking how I will never be happy again, made think about a time when I was happy.
Never.
Now I spend much of my time just thinking about far off places, live in this moment making sure everything runs smoothly in this house and making sure everyone else has what they need. Wanting to be happy and feeling it is an impossible dream. I now face my reality with survival and dependency.
As this was the worse summer ever for me, no paradise, no back yard fun, it is almost time to shut it down and as the colder days are coming, it is time to get back to work. I hate that idea but we all have to make money to survive and for me that is my thorn.
