If We Could All Have What We Need And Desire

I have been thinking about life and these days nothing happy comes to mind but the one thing I do consider is how much of our journey is planned. I do not believe in “A God” or “A Higher Power” therefore my reason for living only stems from experiences through life with people. I see how life has evolved, how technology has taken a big step in interfering with people’s lives thinking they can make something with themselves with #socialmedia but in the end most of us fail. The only people who actually succeed are the ones that are blessed with the “golden pockets”.

I have also been thinking about the stress we all feel at any given moment, how doctors push the pills when something isn’t quite right or the amount of inflicted doses we think we need because they said so. The balance between knowing the truth about our biology and the truth is a fine line. We trust they know what they are doing by taking the tests, however, the facts are never revealed.

I set out a plan a long time ago trying to find my purpose. This is one idea I know most of us need. What is the purpose for our existence? Do we merely move around acknowledging the basic needs like working to pay the bills, getting food on the table, teaching our children to be respectable adults. Why is when we have no control over what the future holds. The guide we set is a passing of generations telling us what to do and how to do it, thinking they know better. Most of us, like myself, never followed the advice of my parents because I see now, they did not have a clue. All I know for sure is that, the fact remains, they did not have a purpose for having me. I gave birth to 2 boys because I had a purpose, a selfish one I might add. I wanted something of my own to love. Let me explain that …

My biggest fear in life was to never be loved as much as I loved another and thinking that, I thought having children would be unconditional. A love of a child is the most precious and cannot be altered under any circumstance. I learned that from my oldest who suffered terribly from #mentalhealth and #drugaddiction. He lead his life in a way I could never understand but accepted his steps. I never turned my back on him and yet in the end, he chose to end his life which still to this day pisses me off. He did not see the love I had for him, he saw only destruction and there was nothing I could do to change his mind. I feel like a failure at this parenting journey and probably will never recover.

Speaking of failure. When I write, I tend to open myself to things I did not see and in this moment, I realized that I have failed at many things. Being a partner, a friend, a daughter and career. Where does that leave the rest of my destination?

I think I will this thought for now and use it tomorrow in my next post.